Trying to prove your ex is crazy? It all starts with you

It’s not infrequent that I have a client who says their ex is completely crazy.  Often they are correct, though just as often my client also has a little bit of the crazy – after all, they were married!  In truth, everyone is a little crazy, at least on occasion, in a divorce.  The key is tempering it when you need to, which is something not everyone can do.

When you’re trying to prove to the judge or court that your ex is the one who is making up lies, exaggerating, and generally trying to hurt you and/or drag your name through the mud, you have to keep several things in mind or you will not be successful.

  1. The judge has a very limited time with you, so s/he has to make quick decisions based on very little information.  The judge, remember, knows nothing about you, your ex, your past, your history, or anything other than what is before the court and what you manage to convey in a short hearing.
  2. Most examples and instances of unreasonable behavior are difficult, if not impossible to prove because there is no outside evidence and it comes down to he said-she said.  The judge has no idea who to believe in those circumstances, so it’s up to you to prove that you are the credible one.
  3. When you start before the court, you and your ex are on equal footing.  If you want to show that your ex is unreasonable, then you have to work extra hard to appear as reasonable as you possibly can.  If you both act unreasonably, then the judge puts you both in the same category, so your pleas that your ex is really the one with the problem will fall on deaf ears.
  4. Proving you are credible, and thus the one to be believed, can be harder than you think it is.  You have to be absolutely truthful with the court – which means no half-truths, no misleading comments, and being up-front and providing relevant information when appropriate, even if not asked.  It also means following ALL – yes, all – court orders to the letter, even if you don’t like them, don’t want to, or are trying to bury your head in the sand, hoping it will go away.
  5. If you are able to do all of these things, and convince the judge that you are the one that is credible, reasonable, and responsible, then you can start to make headway against your unreasonable ex.
  6. If you fail to show the judge that you are reasonable, then it takes far longer to dig yourself out of the hole with the judge than it would have to just behave in the first place.

One Response to “Trying to prove your ex is crazy? It all starts with you”

  1. LovesBlues Says:

    “crazy” me. I am! I admit it. I wasn’t when I married him. Years of neglect, proximity without intimacy, and his (and the kids) total disregard for my feelings, I think pushed me in the direction of WACKO! I was diagnosed with manic depression (severe clinical depression) shortly after what I perceived as a betrayal and complete abandonment of me in a traumatic moment of NEED. I honestly think my diagnosis is wrong and should be PTSD because it came after trauma… but it is only a label…

    Let me remind you, and your readers, “In sickness and in Health” was the promise for most of us.

    I stood by him when he had 18 inches of colon removed…. My mental problem is an illness too and I deserved the vow being kept.

    my kids did too…
    I miss them all so much that sometimes I sit and cry for hours and do nothing else.

    Oh we can all give lip service to “moving on” but honestly, that is impossible to do for some of us. I miss my children, and if I thought they would ever stop loving me because I left then I would have stayed, probably gotten worse with the mental health, but I would still have them. I should never have left our house. SHAME ON ME (Divorced 2002 and still grieving)


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