The divorce process can take years, literally. In addition, in many cases, the relationship is long over by the time the couple pulls the trigger on the divorce paperwork. In the Bay Area – in California – the waiting period is six months, which means that a couple cannot be divorced earlier than six months after the divorce Petition is filed. But some divorce cases – I had one recently out of San Ramon – can be resolved in a matter of weeks, and the paperwork is just a little slower. Other divorces – like one client I have from Oakland – can go on for years and years.
So, with those varying timetables, in many cases it seems inevitable that one or both parties will move on into other relationships. Also inevitable is what the parent is to do when faced with the dilemma of when to allow the significant other to sleepover or, perhaps more difficult, when to allow the ex’s significant other to sleep over. Here are some tips to consider:
1. Just because it’s too soon for you may not mean it’s too soon for your ex or your child(ren).
2. Making it a big deal makes it a big deal.
3. Try to understand your child’s point of view, and then determine how to react. Children can be very adaptable, so the change from dates to overnights may not make much difference to the child.
4. If you can, get to know the significant other. And don’t interrogate your child to do so. Simple, non-threatening questions about whether your child likes the significant other, and why, what they do together, how much time they spend together, and what they talk about will be sufficient. Don’t make it an agenda about your ex! Make sure you’re asking to determine the relationship the significant other has with your child, because this is the important part.
5. Take into consideration the age of the child, as well as the child’s maturity, always bearing in mind that it is likely to be much more traumatic for you than your child.
It’s inevitable that it will happen sometime, so you might as well make it an easy transition now. Plus, the better you react, the more likely your ex will react well when it comes time for you to have a sleepover.
Whenever a celebrity couple splits, the media make a fuss over the citation of “irreconcilable differences” in the divorce paperwork. What does this mean? In California, there are three “grounds” for divorce: irreconcilable differences, fraud and bigamy (having more than one spouse). Fraud not only is hard to prove, but the kinds of fraud are limited in California, and bigamy does not come up too often. So any couple wanting to divorce is generally going to be in the “irreconcilable differences” category.
Irreconcilable differences essentially means that your problems are so big in your marriage that you can’t fix them, even with counseling or other outside help.
In reality, the court doesn’t much care why you want to get divorced. This is why, when my clients want to tell me about affairs and cheating and what s/he did, I have to tell them that it doesn’t really matter for the court case (save substance abuse & domestic violence when there’s children involved). I also tell me clients that, when they’re hung up on what happened and who did what to whom (and really, who isn’t fairly obsessed with that during a divorce?), then they should get themselves to counseling as soon as they can. Most therapists are far cheaper than I am on an hourly basis, and they’re trained to help someone with the emotions of divorce…while I am not.
So the next time you see someone talking about “irreconcilable differences,” you’ll know that this just means the couple doesn’t want to be married to each other anymore.
If you’re not married, or divorced, you may think that you don’t need an estate plan. Not true! Generally, you need to get yourself an estate plan once you buy a house or have a child – or both! When you own real estate, your estate will (particularly in California) go above the $150,000 exemption for probate. This means that, once you own property in California, your estate will go through probate. Probate is what you want to avoid like it’s a disease: it will take 18-24 months to settle your estate and also take about 10% of your gross estate in fees – and that fee is not taking any indebtedness into consideration. And that’s just to start.
So once you buy a house, you need an estate plan. In addition, once you have a child, you need to have an estate plan because you will need to decide who is going to take care of your child should you be unable to. This can only be done in your will. In addition, if you don’t have handy who is responsible for your child if you become injured or incapacitated, then the police could TAKE your children if something happens to you. Just think: you’re out to a nice dinner, the babysitter’s with little Suzy, and you get into an accident on the way home. The police won’t be leaving little Suzy with the 17 year-old babysitter, and if you don’t have clearly posted who is to be responsible for Suzy, then the police could TAKE your child. You don’t want that to happen.
Both of these circumstances – buying a house and having a child – necessitate an estate plan, regardless of whether you are married or not. In fact, it becomes more important to have an estate plan when you’re single because you don’t have the potential benefit of joint tenancy.
What are you waiting for?
I enjoy working with clients who are knowledgeable, accountable, and involved in their divorce process. Divorce is complex in that it involves legal issues, practical issues, emotional issues, and everything in between. My job is to help with the legal issues, but often the line blurs between the legal aspects and the other aspects. One of the ways I can help is to direct my clients to other resources that can assist them with the process, such as therapists, financial advisors, CPAs, and the like. Another great resource are all the books out there on divorce – and here are a few suggestions.
Are you thinking of filing for divorce? Had it with your spouse? Before you pull the trigger, so to speak, and file for divorce, do some investigating and some collecting. You’ll be glad you did. Specifically:
The more prepared you are in advance, the easier the process will be. Divorce is so difficult that it’s well worth your time and effort to make it easier, because when you’re going through it, you’ll appreciate each and every break you can manage. And you could end up like this couple, whose divorce “rehearsal” actually saved their marriage.
There are a lot of misconceptions and misinformation about long-term care insurance, and I don’t profess to know all of the ins and outs of it. But I DO know that it’s critical to have for just about everyone. By the time you’ve hit your forties, you need to look into it and get a policy before it becomes too late.
Now, what does this have to do with divorce? When you’re married, you have a built-in buddy. Someone who may be able to take care of you once you start having trouble taking care of yourself. You have to figure that either you or your spouse is going to lose it before the other, and the one left standing will be the caregiver.
Well, I don’t think that’s necessarily fair, and I am a strong believer in long-term care insurance for everyone, but this post is about divorce, so I’ll skip that.
It’s even more critical to have long-term care insurance when you are divorced because you don’t have an automatic back up to care for you if you fall ill. Long-term care covers in-home help and fills in the gap of health insurance or Medicare. In-home help can cost $25-30 per hour, and this really adds up if you need around the clock care. If you care about staying in your home and staying independent as long as you can, you should check into long-term care. And if you don’t care about these things now, believe me, you will. But perhaps by the time you realize how much you care about these things, it might be too late to get the insurance you need.
Don’t wait. Look into it now. It’s not very expensive and could mean a world of difference to you.
While some couples cannot and will not get along no matter how much time passes, cooperative co-parenting can be a way to raise healthy, happy and well-adjusted children as well as maintain your sanity with your ex. Here’s one author’s take on the subject.