Emotional overload in California divorce

It is said that death, divorce, and moving are the three top stressors we can have in our life. There is no question that experiencing a family law case is stressful, difficult, and certainly emotional, sometimes extremely.

Many family law clients get a little confused at least once during their case – understandably so – and start to believe that their lawyer is also their therapist and general counsel on all things. While it is absolutely possible, and perhaps desirable, to get close to your family law counsel, you still have to draw the line.

Attorneys are not trained to counsel you on emotional issues. In fact, I counseled most of my clients that we needed to put the emotions aside and treat the case as much like a business transaction as possible.

Attorneys are also much more expensive than therapists, sometimes by three or four times. It is in your best interest to talk to a professional – a professional counselor – to help you with the emotional aspects of your family law case. Not only will your wallet benefit, but you will be able to deal with your case in a better way – which can also lead to better decisions.

Is it helpful or harmful that your lawyer knows your ex’s lawyer in California divorce?

A divorce attorney who works for a time in one place gets to know the other attorneys in the area & how they operate.  In one county where I practiced for several years almost exclusively, I knew who was a pushover, who was sharp as a tack, who would cave right before trial, who was sneaky, who I could trust, and who would mean the case would cost double or triple what I expected.  Often, my clients would ask about the other lawyer, and I would share what I knew.

Often, too, my clients would express dismay, frustration and sometimes even anger that I knew and was friendly with the other lawyer.  They thought it would make me “softer” and not fight as hard for them.  They thought my friendship came “above” my responsibilities to them as a client.  It’s unfortunate that I was unable to convince them of how very wrong they were.  I am not the only one who has experienced this, and this article describes well what I am explaining here.

First, they never understood that I take my job and my responsibility to vigorously advocate for my clients very seriously.  Regardless of who is opposing me, I am going to fight for my client in the same way.  I operate by acting in my client’s best interests, and we discuss our strategy before every case.  I will be more cautious when working with someone I can’t trust, but my behavior does not change markedly from case to case and client to client.  Obviously, when pushed I will push back and I can – and will – get down in the trenches and fight when appropriate.  But in many cases this is not necessary and serves only to escalate the cost of the case.

Second, by knowing my opposing counsel, I know what to expect from them, good or bad.  When it’s a friend of mine, I can expect that they won’t blindside me or screw me over.  That helps my client, helps the case, and keeps costs down.

Similarly, my friends trust me as well, so they are more likely to work more easily with me and, as a consequence, work with their client to make the case more reasonable.  In cases with lawyers I am friendly with, there’s more of an attitude of “trust but verify” – we can agree on things in principle, while proof is in process.  With other lawyers, we may need to more through expensive discovery before we can even sit down to start to discuss the issues.  While it may seem that time cools the fires of anger, resentment and vengefulness, it is often the opposite. The longer the case drags on, the harder it can be to settle.

So, which would you prefer?  I would want an attorney who knew my opposing counsel well, and was friendly with them.

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Trying to prove your ex is crazy? It all starts with you

It’s not infrequent that I have a client who says their ex is completely crazy.  Often they are correct, though just as often my client also has a little bit of the crazy – after all, they were married!  In truth, everyone is a little crazy, at least on occasion, in a divorce.  The key is tempering it when you need to, which is something not everyone can do.

When you’re trying to prove to the judge or court that your ex is the one who is making up lies, exaggerating, and generally trying to hurt you and/or drag your name through the mud, you have to keep several things in mind or you will not be successful.

  1. The judge has a very limited time with you, so s/he has to make quick decisions based on very little information.  The judge, remember, knows nothing about you, your ex, your past, your history, or anything other than what is before the court and what you manage to convey in a short hearing.
  2. Most examples and instances of unreasonable behavior are difficult, if not impossible to prove because there is no outside evidence and it comes down to he said-she said.  The judge has no idea who to believe in those circumstances, so it’s up to you to prove that you are the credible one.
  3. When you start before the court, you and your ex are on equal footing.  If you want to show that your ex is unreasonable, then you have to work extra hard to appear as reasonable as you possibly can.  If you both act unreasonably, then the judge puts you both in the same category, so your pleas that your ex is really the one with the problem will fall on deaf ears.
  4. Proving you are credible, and thus the one to be believed, can be harder than you think it is.  You have to be absolutely truthful with the court – which means no half-truths, no misleading comments, and being up-front and providing relevant information when appropriate, even if not asked.  It also means following ALL – yes, all – court orders to the letter, even if you don’t like them, don’t want to, or are trying to bury your head in the sand, hoping it will go away.
  5. If you are able to do all of these things, and convince the judge that you are the one that is credible, reasonable, and responsible, then you can start to make headway against your unreasonable ex.
  6. If you fail to show the judge that you are reasonable, then it takes far longer to dig yourself out of the hole with the judge than it would have to just behave in the first place.

Signs your spouse is considering divorce

It is not uncommon for one spouse to be surprised, blindsided even, by the divorce filing of their spouse.  Often, though, the surprised spouse can look back in hindsight and see the signs.  Here are some:

  1. A new vocabulary.  If your spouse starts saying words like “custody” or “community property,” “date of separation” or “dissolution” even (and these terms may not be in the context of your marriage, but may be dropped in conversation about someone else, for example), then this may be a sign s/he is talking to a divorce attorney, or at least gathering information.
  2. Shifting of accounts or money.  If your spouse suddenly wants to move money around, it may be a sign of impending division.
  3. Changes in his or her relationship with family members.  If your spouse has been estranged from her mother during the marriage and now they’re tight, it may be because the rift was due to the marriage.  Now that it’s ending, the rift is healed…you just don’t know it yet.
  4. Super Parent, or changes in parenting.  A spouse getting a divorce may suddenly become super-parent, trying to establish a pattern of caring for children when that wasn’t necessarily the case before.  Your spouse may be setting the stage for the impending custody battle.
  5. Sudden reduction in work hours, overtime, or business.  Many spouses, in the face of paying child or spousal support, find themselves with less work, business, or overtime, and sometimes bosses are complicit with this temporary reduction to avoid higher support amounts.
  6. Secret conversations.  Catching your spouse spending money or talking to someone on the sly may not mean an affair – it may be an attorney or s/he may be talking to others about you.

Divorce is difficult in the best of circumstances.  If you keep your eyes and ears open, though, you may be able to avoid being taken by surprise.

The stages of divorce

Divorce is one of the top five most difficult life experiences, up there with the death of a loved one.  In a sense, it IS a death – the death of a marriage.  Because it is like a death, most divorcing individuals go through some form of the stages of grief as outlined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her well-known book, On Death and Dying.  Someone going through divorce should be familiar with these stages to be able to recognize them and get through them.  You don’t want to make a critical decision in your divorce when you’re going through anger or bargaining or depression – best to let it pass and don’t make rash or hurried decisions.

An article I read recently talks about the Stages of Divorce: Break-Up, Breakdown,. Breakthrough, and Breakover.  This article is an interesting take on the stages of divorce that I thought you might enjoy.

What were the stages of YOUR divorce?

Things you don’t know about California divorce (and need to know!)

There are so many aspects of California divorce that go beyond the law and process. Here are a few of the key things you probably don’t know about divorce:

  1. It’s going to take a LOT longer and cost a LOT more than you ever imagined.  No, longer than that….and even longer than that.  Whatever you’ve imagined, add at least 50% more time and money.  And this isn’t just attorney fees money, it’s lost wages money (those pesky court appearances), increased debt money, and new expenses money (new blender, new apartment).
  2. Attorneys – even your attorney – can seem like s/he isn’t on your side.  Sometimes this is good, as when you’re hearing the reality of divorce and your attorney is not just telling you what you want to hear (so you’ll be disappointed later), but sometimes it’s bad, as when your attorney is mean or nasty to you.
  3. Your attorney may not be telling you ways to save money on your divorce.  This can vary from attorney to attorney, and it can range from benign oversight to outright malpractice.  You have to decide what’s going to work for you, but don’t fail to either get a second opinion or learn at least some law and procedure so you know what questions to ask.  The more you fight, the more the lawyers get.
  4. The system is not fair.  It’s not designed to make you feel better or vindicated or right.  It’s flawed, and the people involved are flawed, as people are.  “Making the judge see your side” is not going to get you your way.  What will get you your way is having the facts on your side.
  5. Your children will act out, misbehave, develop illnesses they never had, and otherwise have a really hard time with the divorce.  Instead of blaming your ex-spouse, work with him/her to help your children.  You will save them in the short AND long run.
  6. Your lawyer is not going to be offended if you fire him/her and get another lawyer.  Most lawyers welcome the reduction in caseload and “starting over” with a new lawyer is not hard at all.
  7. Much like #4 above, the legal system is not going to help you at all with the emotional aspects of the divorce.  Get a therapist, as soon as you can.  Get over it, in your own way and your own time, and not with lawyers, courts and hearings. Don’t discount the emotions of divorce. They can be the toughest thing to overcome.
  8. The more you learn/know, the better off you’ll be, regardless of how complicated or contentious your case is, the amount of lawyers’ fees (if any), and how long the process takes.

Part two: So, imagine you’re going to die tonight. What would happen?

Here is part two of the depressing series about what happens when you die.  I read this fantastic article, What Would Happen if you Died Tonight, and thought I would put my own spin on it, though it does a great job of laying out the issues.

We all know that we need to do some kind of estate planning, but many of us don’t know what, or how, or even how to find help.  We also know that we don’t really want to think about it, so all of these obstacles can add up to just not doing anything.  Are you one of those who has no plan in place?  Well, then this is the article for you.

What would happen if you died tonight?  What would happen to your children?  Who would care for them?  Would you have several family members fighting for that right and responsibility?  Does your estate have enough money in it to care for your children’s financial upbringing, or will your children be a financial burden on their new caregivers, too?

How about your assets?  Would they be tied up in probate for years because you did not create an estate plan?  Would you put your loved ones through that time, money, hassle and stress because you couldn’t find time to put a trust into place?  Who would get your stuff?  Is there an heirloom ring that your children will fight over because they don’t know who should have it?  Will your family be torn apart by the stress and grief of your passing, and all of the responsibilities and burdens you left for them?

These may seem like drastic and overly-dramatic questions, but if you have ever experienced the death of a loved one, or known someone who has, you know that these are very real considerations.  What would it really be like if you died tonight?  Would you have put your affairs in order to protect your loved ones?  Or will you make them figure it out on their own?