When to go back to court and change your children’s custody/visitation plan after your California divorce is final

We’ve talked before about how we can change the parenting plan post-divorce or –Judgment.  What we didn’t talk about is when it is imperative that we do so.  All too often I have someone in my office or calling me who needs help immediately – if not yesterday or last week or month.  Don’t wait too long in a potential emergency, or you could end up in a very difficult spot.  Here are some instances that require immediate action:

1. Move away: when one parent is planning on moving to another location, and this move could be just to another school district, if you want to stop it (and you can), you need to act as soon as you know the move is happening.  If you don’t, then this can be seen as consent to the move away.  Especially when the other parent has made plans for school, a new house, etc., it can be difficult to stop the move unless you act quickly.
2. Substance abuse:  if you suspect or you know that your ex is abusing substances, such as alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, methamphetamines, or other illegal drugs, then you need to get back into court to protect your children.  Particularly if there has been legal action, such as a DUI or other arrest, you should file a motion as soon as possible to ensure your children are not harmed.
3. School changes/issues: if your child is having trouble in school or you want to change your child’s school, then you should try to get this before the court as soon as you can.  With the delay in the Bay Area courts – sometimes 6 weeks or more to get into an Alameda County courtroom – you can’t wait until July to make a change in the school situation.
4. Domestic violence:  If you or your ex is being abused, get back into court as soon as possible to remove your children from the situation before they are harmed.  Domestic violence is a serious issue that should never be ignored.

Of course, this all assumes that the other parent will not cooperate with the change you want.  Start there, and if you cannot accomplish a change on your own, then you may need to go to court.  We can help!  See the links at the top to get in touch with us, or schedule your consultation today.

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Your family law hearing in California divorce: child custody, child visitation, child support, spousal support, attorney fees…

In most family law cases, one or both parties need the court to help them with initial matters, such as child custody, child visitation, child support, spousal support, and attorney fees.  Because the parties cannot agree on how to handle these matters, a motion is filed with the court, asking the court to make orders on these issues.

After you file your motion with the court, you have to serve it on your opponent. Hopefully, you know that already. Once your opponent receives your motion, he or she has time to file a response. By filing your paperwork in advance, you each have the opportunity to review what the other is saying, and prepare your response to it. This is important because you should never be forced to respond to something about which you do not have advance warning. This goes both ways: you can’t spring something on your opponent and get away with it.

When you get to court on your appointed day and time, remember the following:

1. Get there early to allow yourself to get lost (and find it), to get the layout of the place, and to have time to get settled and take a deep breath.
   2. Read the signs posted in and around the courtroom, as these will give you a lot of information about what is going to happen and the specific court’s procedures. Determine which notes apply to you and act accordingly.
   3. Take a deep breath and try to relax. You may be waiting a long time.
   4. You will probably have the check in and let the court know you are present. Often you check in and give your name (and sometimes case number) to the bailiff or the courtroom clerk.
   5. Most counties have a rule regarding a “meet and confer” prior to being heard by the judge. This is a requirement that you at least try to talk to your opponent to work out your differences before the judge will hear your dispute. DO NOT avoid this if it is a county rule in your county, as it will anger the judge that you ignored the rule – and do it even if there is no rule. Making the judge mad is a big no-no in my book.
   6. When your case is called, announce your name and approach the tables in front of the judge. You’ll get an opportunity to present your side of the argument, and it’s helpful if you have notes responding to what your opponent is going to say. You know what your opponent is going to say because you read his or her paperwork and also talked to him or her immediately prior to the hearing.
   7. Don’t make the judge mad. If he or she cautions you because you have done or said something inappropriate, be sure NOT to repeat your error. One thing that makes most judges mad: interrupting. If you have something to say, find the right time to say it rather than interrupting your opponent or the judge.
   8. Once the judge has heard enough, she or he will say so and announce the order. THIS IS WHAT YOU CAME FOR! Takedetailednotes because you will need to create a written order from the judge’s words.
   9. Before you leave, ask the court for the “Minute Order,” which is the court’s informal notes of the results of the hearing. You can use this to prepare the order. Also, find out which party is preparing the order. Whoever brought the motion generally does this.
   10. Thank the judge as you leave, whether you won or lost. Judges work hard and deserve your thanks for taking their time to help you. You may not like their decision, but thank them anyway.

Divorce and the sleepover with the new boy-/girlfriend: When is it ok when there are children in the house?

The divorce process can take years, literally. In addition, in many cases, the relationship is long over by the time the couple pulls the trigger on the divorce paperwork. In the Bay Area – in California – the waiting period is six months, which means that a couple cannot be divorced earlier than six months after the divorce Petition is filed. But some divorce cases – I had one recently out of San Ramon – can be resolved in a matter of weeks, and the paperwork is just a little slower. Other divorces – like one client I have from Oakland – can go on for years and years.

So, with those varying timetables, in many cases it seems inevitable that one or both parties will move on into other relationships. Also inevitable is what the parent is to do when faced with the dilemma of when to allow the significant other to sleepover or, perhaps more difficult, when to allow the ex’s significant other to sleep over. Here are some tips to consider:

1. Just because it’s too soon for you may not mean it’s too soon for your ex or your child(ren).
2. Making it a big deal makes it a big deal.
3. Try to understand your child’s point of view, and then determine how to react. Children can be very adaptable, so the change from dates to overnights may not make much difference to the child.
4. If you can, get to know the significant other. And don’t interrogate your child to do so. Simple, non-threatening questions about whether your child likes the significant other, and why, what they do together, how much time they spend together, and what they talk about will be sufficient. Don’t make it an agenda about your ex! Make sure you’re asking to determine the relationship the significant other has with your child, because this is the important part.
5. Take into consideration the age of the child, as well as the child’s maturity, always bearing in mind that it is likely to be much more traumatic for you than your child.

It’s inevitable that it will happen sometime, so you might as well make it an easy transition now. Plus, the better you react, the more likely your ex will react well when it comes time for you to have a sleepover.

Pets in divorce

I have negotiated pet visitation in divorce, and also argued in court who should get the family dog (and one time, who should get the family Camaro, but that’s a different story…). Here’s an article that discusses the issue quite well. How did you determine the division of your pets in your divorce?

Secrets of winning child custody

I have many clients that come into my office and say they “want custody” of their children.  What does this mean in a California divorce or paternity case?

In California, there are two kinds of custody: physical and legal.  Physical custody involves where your children live.  If they live with both parents, as in most cases, then custody is shared jointly.  In the case where one parent is not involved at all with the children or has domestic violence or substance abuse issues, then one parent may have sole physical custody.  The norm is shared joint physical custody.  Legal custody involves which parent has the right to make the decisions about your children’s health, education and welfare.  Again, this is generally joint except in the instances mentioned above.

What most clients are talking about when they say they want custody is the parenting plan.  This is the schedule of when your children will be with which parent.  I am often asked what a “normal” schedule is, but the reality is that schedules vary as much people do!  The important part of creating a parenting plan is to keep your children’s needs in the forefront of your mind.  They are adjusting, too, and the transition is difficult on everyone.

Second, be reasonable.  You may despise your ex, but that doesn’t give you the right to cut him or her out of your children’s lives – they remain a parent even though they are no longer your spouse.  A judge will frown on an unreasonable request made for no good reason.

Third, pick your battles.  Remember the adjustment period?  Well, that often translates into dropping grades, acting out, misbehaving, sleep problems, and overall a difficult mood or behavior from your children.  This doesn’t mean it’s all your ex’s fault, and it’s not your fault, either.  It’s just a natural part of the process.  Now, if your spouse is acting inappropriately, such as not properly feeding or dressing/grooming your children before school or harming them, then you should see the judge immediately.  But normal acting out in a divorce is, well, normal.

Finally, remember that it will pass.  At some point the custody fight will end and you will settle into a routine.  I mean, you can fight until your children are 18, but do you really have the time, money and energy to do that to yourself and to your children?  The sooner you can get to that normalcy, the better for everyone.

How to get through your divorce with money, your sanity, and hope for the future: Law, strategy, and everything you need to know but no one tells you

This is the working title of the book I am putting together primarily for divorcing parties in California, but there will be general application for those outside of California.  I am targeting a release at the end of the month and want to be able to help the widest audience.

The topic will include: what to do and think about when you’re thinking of divorce, the initial process, the overall process, emotions involved, hiring a lawyer, the things they don’t tell you that you need to know, finances, child custody and visitation, child and spousal support, property division, debt, negotiation strategies, settlement conferences, trial, specific issues that come up frequently (substance abuse, moving away, for example), completing your case, post-divorce considerations, and where/how to get help.   Each topic will include the “hard” law and strategy as well as the emotional and logistical, common sense aspects and the things no one tells you but you need to know.

Sound worthwhile?

I’ve been thinking about doing this for a while, and this blog is one way of getting the information out there.  But now, I don’t see that there is another publication that combines everything: law, strategy, emotions and all the little things you don’t expect.  Many publications have some of these, but none have all of them together.  I think it’s time to give access to the divorce process to everyone who needs it, and not just those wealthy enough to spend tens of thousands of dollars on attorneys.

What do you think?  Is there a topic you would like me to include?