Divorce hearing coming up? Tips to make it more successful and less nerve-wracking

A divorce hearing, especially your first one, can be cause for panic and extreme nerves.  After being a part of hundreds of them, I’ve learned a few tricks to help you get through it more smoothly:

1. Get there early to allow yourself to get lost (and find it), park, get the layout of the place, and to have time to get settled and take a deep breath.
2. Read the signs posted in and around the courtroom, as these will give you a lot of information about what is going to happen and the specific court’s procedures. Determine which notes apply to you and act accordingly.
3. Take a deep breath and try to relax. You may be waiting a long time.
4. You will probably have the check in and let the court know you are present. Often you check in and give your name (and sometimes case number) to the bailiff or the courtroom clerk.  Signs should make this clear.
5. Most counties have a rule regarding a “meet and confer” prior to being heard by the judge. This is a requirement that you at least try to talk to your opponent to work out your differences before the judge will hear your dispute. DO NOT avoid this if it is a county rule in your county, as it will anger the judge that you ignored the rule – and do it even if there is no rule. Making the judge mad is a big no-no in my book.
6. When your case is called, announce your name and approach the tables in front of the judge. You’ll get an opportunity to present your side of the argument, and it’s helpful if you have notes responding to what your opponent is going to say. You know what your opponent is going to say because you read his or her paperwork and also talked to him or her immediately prior to the hearing.
7. Don’t make the judge mad. If he or she cautions you because you have done or said something inappropriate, be sure NOT to repeat your error. One thing that makes most judges mad: interrupting. If you have something to say, find the right time to say it rather than interrupting your opponent or the judge.
8. Once the judge has heard enough, she or he will say so and announce the order. THIS IS WHAT YOU CAME FOR! Take detailed notes because you will need to create a written order from the judge’s words.
9. Before you leave, ask the court for the “Minute Order,” which is the court’s informal notes of the results of the hearing. You can use this to prepare the order. Also, find out which party is preparing the order. Whoever brought the motion generally does this.
10. Thank the judge as you leave, whether you won or lost. Judges work hard and deserve your thanks for taking their time to help you. You may not like their decision, but thank them anyway.

Your California divorce: My ex is crazy! How do I get the judge to see this?! Why doesn’t the court understand?!

So frequently I have someone come to me and tell me that their ex is crazy and they just can’t get the judge to see it and understand. They give me dozens of examples of what he or she has done, telling me that it’s just not fair that the judge doesn’t see it. In these cases, there’s generally a couple things going on that we have to keep in mind.

Before we start, however, keep in mind what the court experience is from the judge’s perspective. The judge:

  1. doesn’t know who is telling the truth. This may surprise you, but many people lie to the court, and we know it! We just can’t always tell who is the truthful one without evidence;
  2. (2) doesn’t know you. If you’re the most truth-telling truth teller in the world, the judge doesn’t know that – yep, you guessed it, without evidence;and
  3. (3) is trying to make the most reasonable decision possible given the circumstances and request(s) before the court, which means giving equal weight to what each person says (both truth-telling you and your lying liar ex) because that’s all they can do in a short hearing where they don’t know who is telling the truth and doesn’t have any outside information (filed documents are usually much like the spoken argument in court) about who you each are.

What this means is that you have to be careful when you’re trying to show any kind of instability or “craziness” in divorce court. You can do it, but there’s a bit of an art to it, and it’s easy to mess up and

First, the reality is that if your ex is crazy, then there’s a pretty high likelihood that the crazy behaviors spill over to you as well. Of course, your excuse is going to be that s/he makes me act crazy! And this may be the case, but from where the judge is sitting, it doesn’t matter. If you both are acting crazy, then the judge is not going to see a difference in the craziness.

Second, you have to learn how to back up your claims. If you say your ex is crazy and then give examples of the craziness that do not include hard, verifiable facts, then the judge won’t believe you. For example, if you say you showed up at the appointed time to pick up little Joey, and your ex wasn’t there, then your ex is going to be given the opportunity to respond. Your ex may say you were six hours late, didn’t show up at the right place, or showed up on a motorcycle and wanted to take little five year-old Joey away on it. You need substantiation. If your exchange spot is McDonald’s, go in and buy something and keep the time-stamped receipt. Take a picture of yourself in your car – time and date stamped – showing you were at your ex’s house at the appointed time. If you were ordered to contact a mediator or therapist or other professional and your ex won’t cooperate, then get an email showing YOUR contact and acknowledgement that your ex has failed to communicate. You have to give the judge something to go on.

Finally, you have to learn how to talk in court. Keep your emotions down. Stick to the facts. Do not engage in conversation with your ex – talk to the judge. Be respectful at all times, no matter what. If the judge is not hearing you, ask to be heard on an issue. Say thank you at the end, even if you’ve lost.

You have to gain credibility and use it, which can take time. You also have to distance yourself from the craziness so that you don’t get pulled into it.

California divorce: My ex is crazy! How do I get the judge to see this?!

Very frequently I have someone come to me and tell me that their ex is crazy and they just can’t get the judge to see it and understand. They give me dozens of examples of what he or she has done, telling me that it’s just not fair that the judge doesn’t see it. In these cases, there’s generally a couple things going on that we have to keep in mind.

First, the reality is that if your ex is crazy, then there’s a pretty high likelihood that the crazy behaviors spill over to you as well. Of course, your excuse is going to be that s/he makes me act crazy! And this may be the case, but from where the judge is sitting, it doesn’t matter. If you both are acting crazy, then the judge is not going to see a difference in the craziness. We can fix this, but it does take some finesse and strategy. Sometimes you may be doing something that seems perfectly reasonable, but doesn’t look so good to the judge. This is where we can really help, and where our experience really matters – we’ll show you how to fix your reputation in front of the court if it’s damaged.

Second, you have to learn how to back up your claims. If you say your ex is crazy and then give examples of the craziness that do not include hard, verifiable facts, then the judge won’t believe you. For example, if you say you showed up at the appointed time to pick up little Joey, and your ex wasn’t there, then your ex is going to be given the opportunity to respond. Your ex may say you were six hours late, didn’t show up at the right place, or showed up on a motorcycle and wanted to take little five year-old Joey away on it. You need substantiation. If your exchange spot is McDonald’s, go in and buy something and keep the time-stamped receipt. Take a picture of yourself in your car – time and date stamped – showing you were at your ex’s house at the appointed time. If you were ordered to contact a mediator or therapist or other professional and your ex won’t cooperate, then get an email showing YOUR contact and acknowledgement that your ex has failed to communicate. You have to give the judge something to go on.

Finally, you have to learn how to talk in court. Keep your emotions down. Stick to the facts. Do not engage in conversation with your ex – talk to the judge. Be respectful at all times, no matter what. If the judge is not hearing you, ask to be heard on an issue. Say thank you at the end, even if you’ve lost.

You have to gain credibility and use it, which can take time. You also have to distance yourself from the craziness so that you don’t get pulled into it.

More on your California divorce court hearing: decorum in the courtroom

When you are in the courtroom, you want to act appropriately and avoid angering the judge. If you make the judge mad, he or she will remember it, and you don’t want that hanging over you. Some tips:

-Dress appropriately, like you’re going to a wedding or church. You CAN wear jeans, but if you’re dressed nicely, you’ll act more formally – which would be appropriate – and you’ll look more serious (and honest).

-Don’t interrupt anyone – and by anyone, we mean the judge, other court personnel or your soon to be ex-spouse. Wait for a break to request to be heard if you feel you’re being ignored.

-Treat everyone with courtesy and respect, even if you don’t think they deserve it. This includes bailiffs, court clerks and assistants, AND opposing attorneys.

-Don’t get mad, or at least if you do, try to continue to act with courtesy and respect. When you get mad, you lose your perspective, you say things you don’t mean, and you’re likely to get in trouble in one way or another. The depth of your feeling or anger will not win you any points with anyone.

-THANK the judge before you leave, regardless of the outcome.

Going to court in California divorce: The Dreaded Divorce Hearing

We learn that the law is blind, and images of lady justice come to mind when we think of the legal system…right? Well, maybe not all of us.

Most family law attorneys will tell you that decisions on family law issues depend heavily on which county you are in and even which courtroom (in front of which judge). You may think that this is unfair, that judges should apply the law uniformly. But I disagree – this is perfectly natural.

The whole reason we have the legal system is that reasonable people can disagree on many issues. Because of this, we need help in the form of the legal system and litigation. Judges are part of the legal system, and are bound to apply the law in as neutral way as possible. But the law is not always clear enough to apply totally neutrally.

Take this as an example: Parents live in neighboring cities, and each wants their child to attend the school in their neighborhood. The judge is charged with making this decision, and the standard is that the court should act – that is, pick the school – in the best interest of the child. How does the judge make this decision? Judges can look at where the child has gone to school in the past (to avoid disrupting the child’s schedule and established friends), can look to which school is objectively ‘better’ in terms of test scores and the like. The judge can look to see to which parent the child seems more bonded (and thus would be harmed by not being with that parent for school). The judge can look to where the child’s support system – other family members, friends, teachers, church, etc. – are.

But these factors are subjective, to at least a certain extent, and different judges will base their decisions on their own beliefs and experience on which are most important. For example, a judge who just read an article about the critical importance of an extended support system to a child may put more weight on that factor than a judge who hasn’t seen the article.

Similarly, judges are going to have their own opinions on various family law issues. They may tend to weigh certain factors more heavily than others, or tend to rule one way or another. This doesn’t mean that the judge is bad or biased, it just means that the judge is human.

So, what can you do about it? Look, and learn. Attend your judge’s hearings – they’re public! – and see how he or she tends to rule, how he or she runs the courtroom, and what arguments, attitudes, and styles seem to be the most persuasive.

Knowledge is power.

Divorce hearing coming up? Tips to make it more successful and less nerve-wracking

A divorce hearing, especially your first one, can be cause for panic and extreme nerves.  After being a part of hundreds of them, I’ve learned a few tricks to help you get through it more smoothly:

1. Get there early to allow yourself to get lost (and find it), park, get the layout of the place, and to have time to get settled and take a deep breath.
2. Read the signs posted in and around the courtroom, as these will give you a lot of information about what is going to happen and the specific court’s procedures. Determine which notes apply to you and act accordingly.
3. Take a deep breath and try to relax. You may be waiting a long time.
4. You will probably have the check in and let the court know you are present. Often you check in and give your name (and sometimes case number) to the bailiff or the courtroom clerk.  Signs should make this clear.
5. Most counties have a rule regarding a “meet and confer” prior to being heard by the judge. This is a requirement that you at least try to talk to your opponent to work out your differences before the judge will hear your dispute. DO NOT avoid this if it is a county rule in your county, as it will anger the judge that you ignored the rule – and do it even if there is no rule. Making the judge mad is a big no-no in my book.
6. When your case is called, announce your name and approach the tables in front of the judge. You’ll get an opportunity to present your side of the argument, and it’s helpful if you have notes responding to what your opponent is going to say. You know what your opponent is going to say because you read his or her paperwork and also talked to him or her immediately prior to the hearing.
7. Don’t make the judge mad. If he or she cautions you because you have done or said something inappropriate, be sure NOT to repeat your error. One thing that makes most judges mad: interrupting. If you have something to say, find the right time to say it rather than interrupting your opponent or the judge.
8. Once the judge has heard enough, she or he will say so and announce the order. THIS IS WHAT YOU CAME FOR! Take detailed notes because you will need to create a written order from the judge’s words.
9. Before you leave, ask the court for the “Minute Order,” which is the court’s informal notes of the results of the hearing. You can use this to prepare the order. Also, find out which party is preparing the order. Whoever brought the motion generally does this.
10. Thank the judge as you leave, whether you won or lost. Judges work hard and deserve your thanks for taking their time to help you. You may not like their decision, but thank them anyway.

Need more help?  Click here for our FREE Divorce e-Course.

California divorce: My ex is crazy! How do I get the judge to see this?! Why doesn’t he understand?!

So frequently I have someone come to me and tell me that their ex is crazy and they just can’t get the judge to see it and understand. They give me dozens of examples of what he or she has done, telling me that it’s just not fair that the judge doesn’t see it. In these cases, there’s generally a couple things going on that we have to keep in mind.

First, the reality is that if your ex is crazy, then there’s a pretty high likelihood that the crazy behaviors spill over to you as well. Of course, your excuse is going to be that s/he makes me act crazy! And this may be the case, but from where the judge is sitting, it doesn’t matter. If you both are acting crazy, then the judge is not going to see a difference in the craziness.

Second, you have to learn how to back up your claims. If you say your ex is crazy and then give examples of the craziness that do not include hard, verifiable facts, then the judge won’t believe you. For example, if you say you showed up at the appointed time to pick up little Joey, and your ex wasn’t there, then your ex is going to be given the opportunity to respond. Your ex may say you were six hours late, didn’t show up at the right place, or showed up on a motorcycle and wanted to take little five year-old Joey away on it. You need substantiation. If your exchange spot is McDonald’s, go in and buy something and keep the time-stamped receipt. Take a picture of yourself in your car – time and date stamped – showing you were at your ex’s house at the appointed time. If you were ordered to contact a mediator or therapist or other professional and your ex won’t cooperate, then get an email showing YOUR contact and acknowledgement that your ex has failed to communicate. You have to give the judge something to go on.

Finally, you have to learn how to talk in court. Keep your emotions down. Stick to the facts. Do not engage in conversation with your ex – talk to the judge. Be respectful at all times, no matter what. If the judge is not hearing you, ask to be heard on an issue. Say thank you at the end, even if you’ve lost.

You have to gain credibility and use it, which can take time. You also have to distance yourself from the craziness so that you don’t get pulled into it.

Going to court in California divorce: Judges are people, too!

We learn that the law is blind, and images of lady justice come to mind when we think of the legal system…right? Well, maybe not all of us.

Most family law attorneys will tell you that decisions on family law issues depend heavily on which county you are in and even which courtroom (in front of which judge). You may think that this is unfair, that judges should apply the law uniformly. But I disagree – this is perfectly natural.

The whole reason we have the legal system is that reasonable people can disagree on many issues. Because of this, we need help in the form of the legal system and litigation. Judges are part of the legal system, and are bound to apply the law in as neutral way as possible. But the law is not always clear enough to apply totally neutrally.

Take this as an example: Parents live in neighboring cities, and each wants their child to attend the school in their neighborhood. The judge is charged with making this decision, and the standard is that the court should act – that is, pick the school – in the best interest of the child. How does the judge make this decision? Judges can look at where the child has gone to school in the past (to avoid disrupting the child’s schedule and established friends), can look to which school is objectively ‘better’ in terms of test scores and the like. The judge can look to see to which parent the child seems more bonded (and thus would be harmed by not being with that parent for school). The judge can look to where the child’s support system – other family members, friends, teachers, church, etc. – are.

But these factors are subjective, to at least a certain extent, and different judges will base their decisions on their own beliefs and experience on which are most important. For example, a judge who just read an article about the critical importance of an extended support system to a child may put more weight on that factor than a judge who hasn’t seen the article.

Similarly, judges are going to have their own opinions on various family law issues. They may tend to weigh certain factors more heavily than others, or tend to rule one way or another. This doesn’t mean that the judge is bad or biased, it just means that the judge is human.

So, what can you do about it? Look, and learn. Attend your judge’s hearings – they’re public! – and see how he or she tends to rule, how he or she runs the courtroom, and what arguments, attitudes, and styles seem to be the most persuasive.

Knowledge is power.

Trying to prove your ex is crazy? It all starts with you

It’s not infrequent that I have a client who says their ex is completely crazy.  Often they are correct, though just as often my client also has a little bit of the crazy – after all, they were married!  In truth, everyone is a little crazy, at least on occasion, in a divorce.  The key is tempering it when you need to, which is something not everyone can do.

When you’re trying to prove to the judge or court that your ex is the one who is making up lies, exaggerating, and generally trying to hurt you and/or drag your name through the mud, you have to keep several things in mind or you will not be successful.

  1. The judge has a very limited time with you, so s/he has to make quick decisions based on very little information.  The judge, remember, knows nothing about you, your ex, your past, your history, or anything other than what is before the court and what you manage to convey in a short hearing.
  2. Most examples and instances of unreasonable behavior are difficult, if not impossible to prove because there is no outside evidence and it comes down to he said-she said.  The judge has no idea who to believe in those circumstances, so it’s up to you to prove that you are the credible one.
  3. When you start before the court, you and your ex are on equal footing.  If you want to show that your ex is unreasonable, then you have to work extra hard to appear as reasonable as you possibly can.  If you both act unreasonably, then the judge puts you both in the same category, so your pleas that your ex is really the one with the problem will fall on deaf ears.
  4. Proving you are credible, and thus the one to be believed, can be harder than you think it is.  You have to be absolutely truthful with the court – which means no half-truths, no misleading comments, and being up-front and providing relevant information when appropriate, even if not asked.  It also means following ALL – yes, all – court orders to the letter, even if you don’t like them, don’t want to, or are trying to bury your head in the sand, hoping it will go away.
  5. If you are able to do all of these things, and convince the judge that you are the one that is credible, reasonable, and responsible, then you can start to make headway against your unreasonable ex.
  6. If you fail to show the judge that you are reasonable, then it takes far longer to dig yourself out of the hole with the judge than it would have to just behave in the first place.

Need more help?  Click here for our FREE Divorce e-Course.