Part two: So, imagine you’re going to die tonight. What would happen?

Here is part two of the depressing series about what happens when you die.  I read this fantastic article, What Would Happen if you Died Tonight, and thought I would put my own spin on it, though it does a great job of laying out the issues.

We all know that we need to do some kind of estate planning, but many of us don’t know what, or how, or even how to find help.  We also know that we don’t really want to think about it, so all of these obstacles can add up to just not doing anything.  Are you one of those who has no plan in place?  Well, then this is the article for you.

What would happen if you died tonight?  What would happen to your children?  Who would care for them?  Would you have several family members fighting for that right and responsibility?  Does your estate have enough money in it to care for your children’s financial upbringing, or will your children be a financial burden on their new caregivers, too?

How about your assets?  Would they be tied up in probate for years because you did not create an estate plan?  Would you put your loved ones through that time, money, hassle and stress because you couldn’t find time to put a trust into place?  Who would get your stuff?  Is there an heirloom ring that your children will fight over because they don’t know who should have it?  Will your family be torn apart by the stress and grief of your passing, and all of the responsibilities and burdens you left for them?

These may seem like drastic and overly-dramatic questions, but if you have ever experienced the death of a loved one, or known someone who has, you know that these are very real considerations.  What would it really be like if you died tonight?  Would you have put your affairs in order to protect your loved ones?  Or will you make them figure it out on their own?

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The first in a two-parter: What you need to know but wish you didn’t

I recently read an article entitled, How Doctors Die, and was struck by its simplicity and elegance.  Also, I was struck by how doctors know what they want and don’t want, clearly, because they aren’t afraid to face death, the inevitability of it, and the need for anticipation and planning.  Tomorrow, we’ll talk about another article I read recently, What Would Happen if you Died Tonight, and how we can better plan for our own inevitable demise.  But today, let’s start with the cheery subject of the end of life decisions doctors make, and how we (unfortunately) differ.

First, they plan.  Necessarily, as a doctor, they see and comprehend in a way us regular folk cannot (except perhaps funeral directors) that death is inevitable. Not only that, and perhaps more importantly, they understand that not planning very likely means that things will happen to you and around you that you do not ever want to happen.  Procedures will be done to you that you would have refused if you could have, your family will suffer more than they should, you will suffer in pain and illness more than  you would choose to, and your estate (your money, your assets) will be in a tangled mess, causing more hardship on your family than you would ever have wanted.

We don’t want to think about death – no one does – but the reality is inevitable.  We don’t have a choice about that.  What we DO have a choice about is how we handle it, the dignity we grant ourselves, the burdens and responsibilities (or lack thereof) we leave to our loved ones, and the mess (or lack thereof) we leave to our loved ones.  If we have these choices, and it’s really the only choices we have in our anticipation of death, then why don’t we take advantage of them?

Second, doctors know of and learn from our mistakes.  It can be hard to acknowledge our own mortality unless and until we either experience serious illness or we see it in one of our loved ones.  But we can learn from their wisdom, and we don’t have to necessarily experience it to benefit from what they see.  Illness, accidents, & terrible diagnoses don’t generally come with advance warning and the ability to prepare.  They come on suddenly, shockingly, and require grave decisions to be made, sometimes quite quickly.  But the best time to make a decision is when you are calm and able to think all of the issued out.  The worst time?  When you’re facing a life or death situation.

The bottom line is that planning is essential to ensure that you are cared for in the way you want to be, and that you do not put unnecessary burden on your loved ones.  If you knew what the burden would be when it came time, you would definitely choose to plan ahead.  Why wait until it’s too late?

If divorce is like a death, where’s my food?

No one is going to disagree with me when I say that divorce is awful.  It’s emotional, it’s taxing, it’s expensive, it’s time-consuming, it’s frustrating,…it’s just awful.  Psychological studies have likened it to a death, and divorce and moving are up there with death of a loved one as the top most stressful life events.  What’s odd, however is that we as a society don’t treat divorce like a death.  When someone dies, we worry about the loved ones left behind, and feel a need to take care of them by bringing them food, sending cards, posting thoughtful and heartfelt messages on Facebook, and visiting to help ease the loneliness.

When it’s divorce, it’s a different story.  It seems many friends will scatter, as if the divorce “bug” is catching.  The terms or the process are talked about in hushed tones.  Nearly half of all marriages end in divorce, though we talk about it as if it’s still a shameful secret to be hidden.  We have websites to track a loved one’s illness and to be able to donate to their cause and keep up with the ins and outs of treatment.  Where’s the divorce tracker?  How can someone donate to your divorce fund?

As one writer notes in a fantastic article, where’s your casserole?

The stages of divorce

Divorce is one of the top five most difficult life experiences, up there with the death of a loved one.  In a sense, it IS a death – the death of a marriage.  Because it is like a death, most divorcing individuals go through some form of the stages of grief as outlined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her well-known book, On Death and Dying.  Someone going through divorce should be familiar with these stages to be able to recognize them and get through them.  You don’t want to make a critical decision in your divorce when you’re going through anger or bargaining or depression – best to let it pass and don’t make rash or hurried decisions.

An article I read recently talks about the Stages of Divorce: Break-Up, Breakdown,. Breakthrough, and Breakover.  This article is an interesting take on the stages of divorce that I thought you might enjoy.

What were the stages of YOUR divorce?

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