A summer parenting plan: why the summer schedules can be more difficult than the holiday schedule

Aaaaah, summer.  It may seem far away now, but if you need to make a change, the time to start working on it is now.  The California family law court system works very slowly, so plan at least 3 months before you may need court assistance, if not more.  In Alameda County and Contra Costa County, courts are setting hearings out as much as 6-8 weeks.

Summer brings with it thoughts of sunshine, barbeques, vacations and…custody issues if you’re a family law attorney working with divorced parents.   Summer brings with it unique challenges for the separated couple that interrupt the schedule:

  1. Vacations: a regular schedule can get way off track once a two-week vacation is scheduled.  Anticipating this in advance is critical to avoid last-minute problems.
  2. Summer camps, sports camps, and musical camps: summer camps cause problems because it is often one parent who signs the child up, and invariably the camp is set for the other parent’s time. Again, this needs to be anticipated in advance to avoid problems.
  3. Summer school: Like summer camps, summer school invariably messes up both parent’s schedules, and the parent signing the child up often does so without the permission or consultation of the other parent.
  4. Child care challenges arising from the modified summer schedule: Summer schedules often vary from the school schedule to give the lower-time parent extra time.  Week-to-week schedules are not uncommon where the school schedule just provides for weekends for the lower-time parent.  This means that both parents have to adjust for the summer, which can be tricky when dealing with younger children (who need child care) and working parents not used to having a child home all the time.

The key here is ensuring that you work with someone who knows and can anticipate these problems ahead of time and provide for them in your parenting plan.  First, this means both of you have thought of the potential problem and talked out how you would deal with it.  Second, it provides for a solution in the event you can’t agree when the dispute arises.

When to go back to court and change your custody/visitation after your divorce is final

In a prior post, we talked about how we can change the parenting plan post-divorce or –Judgment.  What we didn’t talk about is when it is imperative that we do so.  All too often I have someone in my office or calling me who needs help immediately – if not yesterday or last week or month.  Don’t wait too long in a potential emergency, or you could end up in a very difficult spot.  Here are some emergencies that require immediate action:

  1. Move away: when one parent is planning on moving to another location, and this move could be just to another school district, if you want to stop it (and you can), you need to act as soon as you know the move is happening.  If you don’t, then this can be seen as consent to the move away.  Especially when the other parent has made plans for school, a new house, etc., it can be difficult to stop the move unless you act quickly.
  2. Substance abuse:  if you suspect or you know that your ex is abusing substances, such as alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, methamphetamines, or other illegal drugs, then you need to get back into court to protect your children.  Particularly if there has been legal action, such as a DUI or other arrest, you should file a motion as soon as possible to ensure your children are not harmed.
  3. School changes/issues: if your child is having trouble in school or you want to change your child’s school, then you should try to get this before the court as soon as you can.  With the delay in the Bay Area courts – sometimes 6 weeks or more to get into an Alameda County courtroom – you can’t wait until July to make a change in the school situation.
  4. Domestic violence:  If you or your ex is being abused, get back into court as soon as possible to remove your children from the situation before they are harmed.  Domestic violence is a serious issue that should never be ignored.

Of course, this all assumes that the other parent will not cooperate with the change you want.  Start there, and if you cannot accomplish a change on your own, then you may need to go to court.  A Family Law Coach can help!  See the links at the top.

The probate process in California

Many people know that it is wise to create an estate plan that allows your estate to avoid probate when you pass away.  But few know or understand why probate it something to be avoided. One of the ways to understand it is to take you through the process of what happens when someone passes away.

For our purposes here, imagine for a moment that it’s not you that is passing away, but rather your closest family member – except for this discussion let’s choose someone other than our spouse.  Take a quick moment to think of how difficult that would be to lose someone you love so dearly.  And now, imagine all that there is to do when someone passes away:

  1. There’s the funeral, which generally happens pretty quickly and plans are made within hours of the death.  There are decisions to be made about clothing, caskets, scheduling day and time, who will read, what will they read, will there be a gathering afterwards, will there be food, where will it come from, who will be invited…it’s overwhelming.
  2. Then there’s the will – is there one?  The life insurance, the retirement accounts, the bank accounts.  You go to the house: do you know where your loved one keeps the important documents?  Would you be tearing apart the desk, the file cabinet, the drawers?  What would you find?  How would you feel about having to search?

REMEMBER:  This is all in the first few hours and days after the death, at a time when the loss is most shocking, most raw, and most difficult to deal with.

  1. Once you find the documents – did you find them? – you have to figure out how to transfer the property, and generally – without a plan – this means the probate process, which we’ll talk about in a minute.
  2. In come the lawyers, the lawyer’s fees, the appraisers – the strangers, in your home, in your life.
  3. To transfer the property, the pay the debts, to sell the house – or even transfer it – to get access to the bank accounts…all of these things can take weeks, months and years.
  4. The probate process, which is the court procedure for transferring your property when you don’t have an estate plan or have just a will, is a long, arduous process.  It involves:
    1. Multiple court hearings and appearances, lawyers, accountants, appraisers…
    2. A timeline of 2-3-5 years…or more
    3. Cost:  A huge cost.  Probate fees and costs can take up to 8-10% of your gross estate – that’s your assets not including your debt, so if you have a house worth $300,000 and nothing else, probate fees can be up to $30,000
    4. You have – your family has – worked your entire LIFE to create and build your estate.  Why give it to lawyers and courts?

In the probate process, while the cost is a big consideration, the time is also key because you and your family need and want to move on from the death and the grief, and when the probate process continues on for years and years – and you can’t sell the house, and you can’t get access to the accounts, then it drags out the normal emotional process way beyond what is healthy.

Does this sound like something you want to go through?  Something you want to put your family through?

Now, what if I were to tell you that there is a BETTER WAY?  A way to avoid ALL of this trouble?  We’ll go through this again in the next blog post…stay tuned!

California divorce: My ex is crazy! How do I get the judge to see this?! Why doesn’t he understand?!

So frequently I have someone come to me and tell me that their ex is crazy and they just can’t get the judge to see it and understand. They give me dozens of examples of what he or she has done, telling me that it’s just not fair that the judge doesn’t see it. In these cases, there’s generally a couple things going on that we have to keep in mind.

First, the reality is that if your ex is crazy, then there’s a pretty high likelihood that the crazy behaviors spill over to you as well. Of course, your excuse is going to be that s/he makes me act crazy! And this may be the case, but from where the judge is sitting, it doesn’t matter. If you both are acting crazy, then the judge is not going to see a difference in the craziness.

Second, you have to learn how to back up your claims. If you say your ex is crazy and then give examples of the craziness that do not include hard, verifiable facts, then the judge won’t believe you. For example, if you say you showed up at the appointed time to pick up little Joey, and your ex wasn’t there, then your ex is going to be given the opportunity to respond. Your ex may say you were six hours late, didn’t show up at the right place, or showed up on a motorcycle and wanted to take little five year-old Joey away on it. You need substantiation. If your exchange spot is McDonald’s, go in and buy something and keep the time-stamped receipt. Take a picture of yourself in your car – time and date stamped – showing you were at your ex’s house at the appointed time. If you were ordered to contact a mediator or therapist or other professional and your ex won’t cooperate, then get an email showing YOUR contact and acknowledgement that your ex has failed to communicate. You have to give the judge something to go on.

Finally, you have to learn how to talk in court. Keep your emotions down. Stick to the facts. Do not engage in conversation with your ex – talk to the judge. Be respectful at all times, no matter what. If the judge is not hearing you, ask to be heard on an issue. Say thank you at the end, even if you’ve lost.

You have to gain credibility and use it, which can take time. You also have to distance yourself from the craziness so that you don’t get pulled into it.

How to change your parenting plan post-divorce (or –Judgment)

I frequently get questions about problems with child custody and visitation after a couple has gotten a divorce, or completed their paternity suit and gotten a Judgment. One parent is constantly late or absent, one parent keeps changing the parenting plan, or one parent has a new boyfriend or girlfriend, and the new significant other is causing problems, or there is some problem with the child that one parent thinks is the other parent’s fault.

The answer is that there is a solution to these issues. Once your divorce is completed, or you have a Judgment, any of your orders can be modified upon a showing of a “change in circumstances.” A change in circumstances is some change from the time of your divorce/Judgment that has caused the problem. It could be a work schedule change, a new partner in your ex’s life, a change in residence, a change in the child’s school performance or behavior, or just a change in the situation. Most courts are pretty lenient when it comes to what kind of change is required.

But you do have to file a motion with the court if you can’t get an agreement with your ex about the change. I always recommend starting the easy way, which is sending a letter or email about the change you want, why you want it, and what steps you will take if the ex doesn’t agree. The steps you take may include going back to court, and you have to make that decision before you put it in writing.

If you have been through a divorce, you probably know how tough the court system can be on your wallet, your nerves, and your relationship with your ex, so think hard about whether you want to open up that can of worms.