Thinking about filing for divorce? What you need to do first:

Are you thinking of filing for divorce?  Had it with your spouse?  Before you pull the trigger, so to speak, and file for divorce, do some investigating and some collecting.  You’ll be glad you did.  Specifically:

1. Gather copies of financial documents, such as tax returns (at least the past three years), bank statements (go back several months to a year), investment accounts, and business records.  Print them out in case you lose access.
2. Keep the copies in a secure location away from your home.  Try a friend or relative’s home or your workplace.
3. Secure and possessions you’d be heartbroken to lose, especially anything breakable or very valuable. If your spouse “loses” your father’s antique watch, it’ll be up to you to prove it was your spouse’s fault.
4. Learn your rights.  Listening to your friends, relatives and neighbors about what happened in their divorce will not help you one little bit as each divorce is individual to the circumstances of the couple.  Consult with a licensed lawyer or Family Law Coach in your area, and don’t feel pressured to hire someone at this point.  Do some fact-finding.  Read some books on divorce in your area.
5. Learn your responsibilities.  Just as critical as rights, what you have to do as a member of a divorcing couple, and perhaps a parent, is as critical.  You don’t want to damage your children, your future, or your credit by not understanding what’s best for you to do.
6. Consider counseling, like now.  Divorce is so difficult that it’s considered one of the five major life events/traumas.  The legal process is not designed to help you through the emotional aspects, and it won’t.  It will likely make them worse.  Find a counselor, find a divorce support group, talk to your church, or discover some way to deal with the emotional aspects.
7. Learn the process.  Divorce, as I have mentioned before, takes far longer and is far more expensive then you ever anticipate.  If you’re not aware of this at the outset, then the delays, disappointments and cost can become quickly and repeatedly overwhelming.
8. Open your own bank account, without your spouse’s name on it.  Just before you file, if you have money in a savings account, consider transferring HALF of the money – just half – into that account.  Check with a lawyer in your area first, however, to make sure you don’t get in trouble later for doing this, as every state has different rules.

The more prepared you are in advance, the easier the process will be.  Divorce is so difficult that it’s well worth your time and effort to make it easier, because when you’re going through it, you’ll appreciate each and every break you can manage.  And you could end up like this couple, whose divorce “rehearsal” actually saved their marriage.

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An attorney who makes house calls?!

Yes, I make house calls.  In fact, the majority of my appointments are in my client’s homes.  I do have an office in Dublin, but I find that the house calls are more common, more appreciated, and better all around.  Here’s why:

1. Many of my clients are older and appreciate not having to travel to an appointment.  I had a client who lived just about 6 miles from my office, but in his mind, my office was in another country!
2. I offer flexible appointment times, such as weekends and evenings, so making the appointment at a client’s home is easier for travel.
3. I appreciate being able to avoid Bay Area traffic, so I work with my clients so we all avoid it.
4. I am not the kind of attorney who sits in her office all day, waiting for the phone to ring, so I am often on the go anyway.
5. It’s not weird.  Really, it never is.  We usually sit in the dining room, at the table, and everyone is more relaxed and comfortable.
6. Ah, comfort.  No one likes to talk about their eventual demise and dividing up their stuff amongst their family.  Being in a safe, familiar environment instead of a stuffy attorney’s office can make it easier (not that my office is stuffy!).
7. Range.  I work with networking partners who work all over the Bay Area, and if I have a referral from Santa Rosa or South San Jose, I can work with them due to my willingness to travel.

My tag line is “Unlike any attorney you’ve ever met.”  I use this because many of my clients, friends and referral partners tell me this.  I want to blast the stereotypes of lawyers being distant, hard to reach and talk to, stuffy, boring, inflexible, and dismissive.  I know that my clients are putting their lives into my hands, so I want to treat that as if it is the most precious gift, as it is.  My clients and their families deserve the best, so this is what I give to them.

Estate planning and California divorce: a checklist to avoid disaster

Often, after the time, expense, and emotional upheaval of California divorce (as well as moving, adjusting to life as a single person/parent, dealing with tightening finances…etc. etc.), the last thing on anyone’s mind is estate planning.  Yes, it’s one of the things on the list of things to do…later, when you have time.  When you’re emotionally ready to think about it.  Right?  Well, the reality is that just post-divorce IS the best time to do estate planning.  Why?

1. Because it’s on your mind since you’re working to get the rest of your life in order.
2. It’s critical to get your ex-spouse off of your accounts and as your beneficiary.  You really don’t want him/her inheriting from you, do you?
3. It’s really not that hard, and in fact rather than being draining or difficult, can not only be empowering but help you to really feel like your life has restarted.

Here are the key estate planning items you need to take care of post-divorce (and note you probably can’t do these during your divorce due to the ATROs):

1. Create a new (or initial) living trust and will to protect your assets and your beneficiaries.
2. Cancel any old estate plans.
3. Sign a new power of attorney for asset management.
4. Sign a new health care advance directive power of attorney.
5. Designate the guardian for your children should you pass away.
6. Get new life insurance to meet your (and your children’s) needs.
7. Update the beneficiary on your life insurance, retirement accounts (401Ks, IRAs, etc.) and other payable on death (POD) accounts.
8. Make sure your assets are retitled in your name only.
9. Let people know you’re no longer divorced, like banks, health care providers, and other trusted advisors so no one gives out personal or confidential information inadvertently.
10. Talk to your parents about estate planning, the importance, and how it will help everyone if they create an estate plan (it helps them to leave a legacy and saves you the additional intense difficulty of probate).

Doing these simple tasks will help you to feel stronger, in control, and empowered to take on life’s next challenge.  What are you waiting for? Make an online appointment by clicking here.

Parenting well in divorce

Thinking of divorce?  Just filed?  Mired in the process that seems endless?  Been divorced for years?  Here are some tips to be a better parent during divorce, and these tips are both to help your children and to help your case.

1. Stop the arguing in front of the children.  There was probably enough of that when you were still together.  Now that you’re separated, cut it out.  It hurts your kids and it makes the judge mad.  Don’t make the judge mad.  Disengage.
2. Cope how you need to cope, but if drugs or alcohol is your mechanism of choice, keep either far, far away from your children.  There’s nothing – other than domestic violence – that’s going to lose your kids for you faster than drug and alcohol abuse.  Is it a problem?  Acknowledge it and get help immediately.
3. Move as quickly as you can past the intense emotions when dealing with your ex.  Try to think of your relationship as a business deal, and treat it as such.  This is extremely difficult, but also very valuable and will help you in the long run.
4. Save the trash talk for a dinner out with friends.  Don’t let your children know how you are feeling about your ex.  This only causes them to be conflicted in their feelings for their other parent.  Don’t make them feel guilty for loving their parent, which is how they will feel if you tell them how awful your ex has been to you.
5. Jump into another relationship if you must, but keep the children away from it for far longer than you want to.  The blush of infatuation – and feeling wanted again – may be something you want to shout from the rooftops, but your children will be confused and perhaps angry by it.  Give it time before introducing a new special someone.
6. Similar to saving the trash talk, don’t think you “owe it” to your children to let them know why you are divorcing.  They don’t need to know.  What they need to know is that you and your ex love them very much, and that the divorce is *not* their fault.  This may need to be repeated again and again.
7. Expect that your children will act out during the divorce.  Grades will slip, tantrums will intensify, and some tough love may be in order.  What you must keep in mind is that your children need you, and that the acting out is normal and not some reflection of how poorly your ex parents.  Instead of taking the bad behavior and using it as ammunition against your ex, understand that it’s your children that need love and attention, and perhaps punishment.
8. Understand that the divorce is really tough on your children, just like it is on you.  They’re going to be confused, angry, depressed, hurt, and disoriented.  Do what you can to keep their lives as normal as possible.  Don’t move if you don’t have to, don’t change their schools or activities.  If you’re the one in a new location, try to make it as normal and comfortable as possible.  Your kids will thank you … later.

Divorce is tough on everyone.  Remember this and you can help to not make it worse than necessary for your children.

Getting divorced? Don’t divorce your family – or your values

Us family law attorneys have a saying: criminal lawyers see bad people at their best and family law attorneys see good people at their worst. It’s true – divorce can turn the kindest person into a bit of a monster.

Indeed, it’s tough for even the attorneys to keep their distance from such extreme, deep emotion, hurt and anger. The legal system is no help – in fact, it encourages the hostility. The premise of the system itself, a winner and a loser, prolongs and perpetuates the conflict.

What is too often lost in the shuffle are the victims of divorce: the children. They get enmeshed in the arguments and even the court battles, whether explicitly or just because they live with the combatants. Children of divorce struggle mightily – and silently – and their needs should be more front and center in our system.

I came across an article recently, entitled “Ending your marriage should not end your family,” and while it’s five years old, it’s still pertinent today.

There is a better way. You don’t have to fight as hard as you can and spend $100,000 on legal fees. Your personal hurt and anger should not be played out in court. Talk to a therapist and work it out there. Take advantage of alternative dispute resolution like mediation. Take a deep breath and sleep on it for a night – or two or ten – before filing that motion just to get revenge. It will be worth it in the long run to you AND your family.

How to prepare for divorce

Is there anyone out there anymore who doesn’t know someone who is getting divorced or thinking about it?

The first question on anyone’s mind is what will happen? The most common concerns are about money – rent, bills and health insurance – as well as children. Where will they live? How will we share custody? What are my rights?

Basically, you want to know: what do I need to know NOW so that the process is easier, smoother, and I don’t get in trouble?

Sadly, it can seem nearly impossible to find out this information. If you go to see a lawyer, he or she will spend most of the time trying to convince you to pay out thousands of dollars in a retainer. Trying to find relevant, informative, accurate and current information on the internet is like trying to sort sand on the beach.

So, what can you do? One solution is to consult with an attorney, but say up front that you only want information and do not intend to retain. That can work sometimes, but not all lawyers are equal, and the information you get can be of varied usefulness. You can research on your own – for example, Nolo Press has some GREAT resources. Be sure you stick with state-specific information, however, since state divorce laws vary widely. You can check out my FREE 7-day divorce series on how to save money when getting divorced. Or, you can try family law coaching, which is what I do.

Here are some tips to get you started:

1. Scan or copy your important documents, like tax returns, bank and credit accounts, retirement and 401K statements, mortgage statements, house and car title deeds, etc.
2. Change your powers of attorney before you file. You may also consider severing your joint tenancy.
3. Get all the most sentimental items out of your house, particularly if they are breakable and/or you have a spouse prone to angry outbursts.
4. Courts like to continue the status quo, so if you plan to make a change (go back to school, change your children’s school, start medical treatment, get braces for your children), then start that before you file for divorce.
5. Talk to a lawyer so you know your rights in your specific situation.
6. Consider getting a post office box.
7. Understand what the date of separation means so you don’t hurt yourself by filing too early or too late.
8. Prepare mentally. Deciding on getting the divorce is not the hard part. It’s only the beginning. Consider going to therapy, even if you think you don’t need it. If insurance covers it, it couldn’t hurt.

Emotions of child and spousal support – for recipient and payor

One of the hot button issues in divorce is child and spousal support. It’s a hot button because it involves money, and money is the leading cause of divorce. Many couples are already tense about money, and when you add in the support issue, things can blow up. The problem is one of simple math:

You have one household surviving on the income of two parties. You take that household and divide it in two when the couple separates, and you have the same amount of money (not enough) now supporting two households instead of one. Ouch.

Regardless of who moves out and who is the spouse paying for child and/or spousal support, it hurts both parties. The one paying can see in his or her paycheck that the amount being brought home is, in some cases, actually smaller than the amount being paid for support. The one being paid just looks at the money coming in and the bills to be paid, and can’t quite see how to resolve the disparity.

Arguments, often heated ones, ensue. The key is to recognize that not only is this going to happen, but to catch it early and address it. It isn’t going to be easy for either of the spouses, and they had better be prepared. Both spouses, in most cases, are working hard to maintain their lives while they go through the difficult time, and a small amount of understanding goes a long way.

Divorce resources: How to make the process easier

I enjoy working with clients who are knowledgeable, accountable, and involved in their divorce process. Divorce is complex in that it involves legal issues, practical issues, emotional issues, and everything in between.  My job is to help with the legal issues, but often the line blurs between the legal aspects and the other aspects. One of the ways I can help is to direct my clients to other resources that can assist them with the process, such as therapists, financial advisors, CPAs, and the like.  Another great resource is books – and here are a few suggestions.

Retirement planning and dividing assets in California divorce

When a couple is dividing their assets in a divorce case, it’s easy to just look at the numbers on the page and divide them. For example, say we have two stock accounts. Let’s have $100,000 in each account. It can be easy to say that they each take one of the accounts and call it even. But, is it?

It could be, but it’s more likely not. If the couple has two accounts, it’s likely that they have them for a reason. For example, maybe one is intended for the long-term and one is a shorter-term investment. If the couple does not evaluate the projections of each of the accounts, one of them could be left holding the short stick.

During the divorce process, however, you can get very tired of negotiating, of waiting, and of just being in the middle of it all. Evaluating the accounts is just another step that you may think really won’t make a big difference. But ask any financial advisor – it DOES matter, and while you may not care now, you WILL later, particularly if you’re the one with the short stick.

As a couple builds their life, they make plans for their retirement. A smart plan has several components, and the couple is likely thinking not only of their own retirement, but also their children’s college expenses, when each of them will retire, and what kind of lifestyle they’re planning on. They may have compromised during the marriage, but at the divorce, each individual needs to come up with their own plan for these issues. Ensuring that the division of the assets is truly equal, and not just the same dollar figure, will be the first step.

Life Insurance and its potential role in California divorce

One of the most difficult aspects of divorce, behind the extreme emotional roller coaster, is the financial aspect. There’s never enough money to go around, and frequently both parties feel like they’re getting the short end of the stick. The reality is that this is just the way it goes when you try to create two households out of one with the same amount of money coming in each month. One associated problem is that the court’s jurisdiction does not extend past a child’s 18th birthday (child support can go on to age 19, but that’s another issue), so the court cannot make orders about who will pay for your children’s education past high school, and how. College costs for a child who is now a toddler are astronomical – somewhere around $250,000-300,000 depending on the school. If you and your ex-spouse do not agree on how you will pay for college, then perhaps it won’t be paid at all. This is where life insurance can come in. Either or both of you can obtain and pay for a policy that will help to fund your children’s education past high school. It’s not very expensive, particularly if the cost is shared, and your child will thank you for putting aside the anger and making a joint effort on behalf of his or her education.

One final note on making that agreement: ensure that you put down in writing (1) what schools the funds will be applicable to (full-time college, trade schools, etc.), (2) what the funds will pay for (just tuition or room and board or books and supplies, or all of the above), and (3) what cuts off the funds (i.e. not attending full-time or grades below a C average).

In addition, life insurance can be taken out on the party who is paying child or spousal support, in the event that the financially-providing party/parent passes.  With the life insurance, the child(ren) and ex-spouse are insured some financial security in the event one parent dies.