Your California divorce: My ex is crazy! How do I get the judge to see this?! Why doesn’t the court understand?!

So frequently I have someone come to me and tell me that their ex is crazy and they just can’t get the judge to see it and understand. They give me dozens of examples of what he or she has done, telling me that it’s just not fair that the judge doesn’t see it. In these cases, there’s generally a couple things going on that we have to keep in mind.

Before we start, however, keep in mind what the court experience is from the judge’s perspective. The judge:

  1. doesn’t know who is telling the truth. This may surprise you, but many people lie to the court, and we know it! We just can’t always tell who is the truthful one without evidence;
  2. (2) doesn’t know you. If you’re the most truth-telling truth teller in the world, the judge doesn’t know that – yep, you guessed it, without evidence;and
  3. (3) is trying to make the most reasonable decision possible given the circumstances and request(s) before the court, which means giving equal weight to what each person says (both truth-telling you and your lying liar ex) because that’s all they can do in a short hearing where they don’t know who is telling the truth and doesn’t have any outside information (filed documents are usually much like the spoken argument in court) about who you each are.

What this means is that you have to be careful when you’re trying to show any kind of instability or “craziness” in divorce court. You can do it, but there’s a bit of an art to it, and it’s easy to mess up and

First, the reality is that if your ex is crazy, then there’s a pretty high likelihood that the crazy behaviors spill over to you as well. Of course, your excuse is going to be that s/he makes me act crazy! And this may be the case, but from where the judge is sitting, it doesn’t matter. If you both are acting crazy, then the judge is not going to see a difference in the craziness.

Second, you have to learn how to back up your claims. If you say your ex is crazy and then give examples of the craziness that do not include hard, verifiable facts, then the judge won’t believe you. For example, if you say you showed up at the appointed time to pick up little Joey, and your ex wasn’t there, then your ex is going to be given the opportunity to respond. Your ex may say you were six hours late, didn’t show up at the right place, or showed up on a motorcycle and wanted to take little five year-old Joey away on it. You need substantiation. If your exchange spot is McDonald’s, go in and buy something and keep the time-stamped receipt. Take a picture of yourself in your car – time and date stamped – showing you were at your ex’s house at the appointed time. If you were ordered to contact a mediator or therapist or other professional and your ex won’t cooperate, then get an email showing YOUR contact and acknowledgement that your ex has failed to communicate. You have to give the judge something to go on.

Finally, you have to learn how to talk in court. Keep your emotions down. Stick to the facts. Do not engage in conversation with your ex – talk to the judge. Be respectful at all times, no matter what. If the judge is not hearing you, ask to be heard on an issue. Say thank you at the end, even if you’ve lost.

You have to gain credibility and use it, which can take time. You also have to distance yourself from the craziness so that you don’t get pulled into it.

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