I’ve talked before about how divorce is nearly always much more expensive and time-consuming than you ever expect it to be – frequently many times more – and given tips on how to not only reduce this time and expense, but how to reduce the stress and toll the divorce process has on you and your children. Particularly in California divorce, and divorce in the Bay Area, courts are overcrowded and lawyers expensive, so this problem is exacerbated.
There are things you can do to ease the process – for example, hiring an experienced attorney – but there are also things you can do in your relationship with your ex that will make the process go more smoothly. The marriage may be over, and even perhaps the friendship and trust that certainly existed at some point, but if you have children, there is still going to be a relationship of some sort, and what you say and do – how you conduct yourself – will have a large bearing on what the post-divorce relationship looks like. Even if you don’t have children with your ex, you still have to maintain a relationship to get through the divorce process. Here are some tips to help you through:
- Divorce is hard. It’s hard on both of you. Focusing on the reasons for the divorce or bringing up old arguments will do nothing but make it all worse. The marriage is over, don’t dwell on these things. If you have issues – anger, sadness, resentment – then work on them with a qualified therapist. Don’t make it worse on you, your ex and your children by hanging on to issues that no longer matter. One qualifier: if the issues you’re focused on involve concerns about your children (substance abuse, violence, neglect, for example), then these are relevant to the divorce case. Never listening to you, not picking up socks, and that pesky affair are not generally going to be issues that move your case along.
- Make sure you know what you’re talking about before you open your mouth. Threatening to “take custody” or to quit your job to avoid child support or bad-mouthing your ex’s lawyer do nothing but make the emotions in your case escalate. Yes, we all can say things we don’t mean when we’re angry. All the more reason to think before speaking to your ex. This is a great article about the nasty things spouses say to each other in a divorce – and why they’re empty threats.
- This is an issue I’ve talked about before – as soon as you possibly can, start thinking of the divorce in business-like terms. Once you decide to divorce, the court and legal process essentially strips all emotion out of the equation and gets to the business of dividing assets, determining appropriate support, and working out the child custody and child visitation schedule. Try to look at the divorce as a business transaction, because that’s what the court is doing. It’s the break-up of a family unit, so each side gets half of what’s in the family. Removing your emotions in the court process (and keeping them reserved for therapy, for example) will help to move the process along because you will not be delaying the process on emotional grounds.
- One last tip for those working with legal professionals: refuse to work or stop working with someone who is making the process worse. Unfortunately for you, lawyers benefit financially when cases take longer and are more acrimonious. If your lawyer tells you to stop talking to your ex (saying all communication has to be through the lawyers) or discourages you from making a reasonable settlement in favor of an expensive trial, find someone else to work with. You’ll all be better served in the long run.
Or, I suppose if you have endless funds, time and anger, you can do all of the above, fight for years, and make a few lawyers rich. It happens, all too often. Remember, you get to choose how your divorce proceeds. Which will you choose?